All of this studying for the Diplomate exam will pass.
All of these problems will be a remnant of the past one day.
All of the heartache I’ve been through will just be a dent in my subconscious someday.
So why stress about the past that I can’t change, the present I’m living, and the future that may or may not happen?
What a beautiful homily this Easter.
Remove the stone.
Give doctors the honor they deserve, for the Lord gave them their work to do. 2 Their skill came from the Most High, and kings reward them for it. 3 Their knowledge gives them a position of importance, and powerful people hold them in high regard.
4 The Lord created medicines from the earth, and a sensible person will not hesitate to use them. 5 Didn’t a tree once make bitter water fit to drink, so that the Lord’s power might be known? 6 He gave medical knowledge to human beings, so that we would praise him for the miracles he performs. 7-8 The druggist mixes these medicines, and the doctor will use them to cure diseases and ease pain. There is no end to the activities of the Lord, who gives health to the people of the world.
9 My child, when you get sick, don’t ignore it. Pray to the Lord, and he will make you well. 10 Confess all your sins and determine that in the future you will live a righteous life. 11 Offer incense and a grain offering, as fine as you can afford. 12 Then call the doctor—for the Lord created him—and keep him at your side; you need him. 13 There are times when you have to depend on his skill. 14 The doctor’s prayer is that the Lord will make him able to ease his patients’ pain and make them well again. 15 As for the person who sins against his Creator, he deserves to be sick.
I am deeply touched that such words exist in the Scripture. Finally, I feel like I have found my purpose. No, my purpose is not something else I was not given yet. It’s not being a writer, being a physician assistant overseas, being a musician by profession, not anything else. It is what God has already blessed me with. Why am I looking for something more when God has already given it?
For the longest time, I’ve felt like I am in the wrong path – that I should have chosen differently. What this season in my life has taught me is that there is nothing that has happened to me now that God did not plan. Everything is in his plan. Everything that happened, happening, and will happen has been decided by God. There is no mistake.
I did not become a doctor by chance. It was all through His grace. How could I not have seen and felt this? All these years, I’ve been feeling burdened – like I’ve chosen the wrong path. I’ve chosen wrongly. That my heart is not at peace. But alas, finally, I’ve realized that everything I have now is because of His grace. There was no mistake.
He blessed me with all the resources, the mental faculties, the patience, the perseverance to become a physician. This is my purpose, this is my calling.
I wished for you to be a better man. I thought with my efforts, love, and patience, you would change for the better. Maybe I was wrong for seeing you as not enough. Maybe I put too much pressure on you to grow and become the man that I want. But I know I never would have left – on my own accord.
One thing is for sure – I did love you, with all my heart. I think I still do and I always will. You were always my comfort zone, you always felt like home to me.
But our life doesn’t stop with that. We have dreams of building a future together. Maybe my dreams were too big. I wanted a comfortable life for my future family and I know that means working extremely hard. I wanted that for us. I thought you wanted that, too.
When things got rough, you couldn’t handle it – you wanted to leave. When I was pulling away, you let me. You didn’t try to fix it. I didn’t want us to disappear so we tried fixing it. But you were already building a future without me.
I don’t blame you solely for the fading of us. I am not innocent in all of this. Love is a dance between two people. But I do blame you for your deception and false promises. For your promises of our tomorrow, for making me believe you wanted the same thing, too but on the side, you’re seeking the attention of another woman. For beaming me up, showing a world that’s bigger than us with no intention of keeping me there.
I could never have predicted that man would be you. My illusion of you as the good man has shattered – along with my heart. I loved you so much I was willing to adjust to everything just to keep you. But knowing how easily you were able to replace me with someone – I guess that’s just the last straw.
Maybe that’s the kind of woman you wanted all along. You thought you wanted me but realized you don’t. That’s okay. She’s good on her own right and so am I. I’m not going to badmouth her or smear her name because I don’t know her one bit. All I know is that she may have played a part in it but you deliberately chose to betray me.
It’s disappointing knowing you both chose to do this knowing you would hurt someone. That is just so low, especially for you. I thought you were a good man. My discretion is faulty, I suppose.
I don’t fully see it now but I feel like this is God’s blessing. He removed you from my life because you are not good for me. I prayed and hoped you were but I guess you are not. I used to think God sent you to me to be with me throughout my life, but I was wrong. This is where we stop.
I love you, I want you to be happy. I forgive you because I know you loved me in the best way you could.
So funny that in a span of less than 24 hours, you managed to erase all feelings I have left for you. Nope, I don’t love you anymore. Even if I subtly do, I don’t want to anymore.
You’re a fucking piece of trash with no backbone.
You wasted us. But I’m no longer going to dwell on the could’ve have beens. You are soooooo not worth it.
You don’t even drive. You can’t take care of yourself properly. You don’t have convictions. You operate on your id. You’re literally a manchild. Why am I losing sleep over you? It’s ridiculous.
I can finally tell myself and everyone – I am done. There is nothing in this world that could make me want you again you pathetic piece of shit. Go on live your life. I don’t want you in mine.
I can’t believe I thought I would marry you, it’s so funny and ridiculous. I am ashamed that you were the standard. So goodbye, I do hope you become happy. I won’t be watching. Adios.
I can see you clearly for your deception
Your immaturity replaced your devotion
What a pathetic little boy
Treating treasure like a toy
Fuck you and all of your stupid promises
Goodbye, good riddance
You’re someone else’s problem now
Take a bow
Shattered illusion
You truly stooped so low
I can’t look at you the same way anymore
Not the man I thought you were before
You think you’re honorable?
Lying to me, that was your call
You’re a fucking cheater, motherfucker
I’m done, I deserve better
I can’t believe it. But I have to. This is who you are. Stupid and spineless – this is who you are.
I love you. I hope you know that. I hope I did my best to show and make you feel that I love you. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you. I still do, even if you don’t feel the same.
I would have given up my dreams for you. I would have accepted the life you’ve come to love. I never would have asked you to leave your passion because I know you wouldn’t be who you are if it weren’t for it. I admire you so much because of it. I never would have asked you to choose. All I wanted was to feel that I matter in your life, too. But maybe, I no longer do and that’s why you ended things.
I wish we would grow old together. I wish I still get to touch your face, hold your hands, feel your embrace. I wish we’d have children that looked like us. I wish that you still wanted those dreams for the both of us. I wish you still wanted me in your future. I wish I hadn’t hurt you.
I love you so much and it hurts that I can’t say it and make you feel it anymore.
My final act of love is giving you what you want – the time and space you’ve always wanted. Even if it means I have to rebuild my whole life again without you, I would do it because I love you so much. I want you to be happy. I know it probably didn’t seem that way but I truly do.
I hate that I don’t seem to matter to you, not even one bit.
You don’t miss my absence. You revel in it.
I hate that every space in my mind is occupied by you.
But I know you’re doing everything in your power to keep me in yours.
I hate you found it so easy to let me go.
I hate that I’m holding on to every memory and hope.
I hate that it’s her smiles that you’re looking forward to.
When all along I thought it’s just going to be me and you.
I don’t know how you do it – be so cool.
How could you have ended something so pure?
I loved and still love you with all of my might
And you threw it all away without putting up a goddamn fight
You’re moving on with your life trying to get back to normal
While I replay everything in my head, it’s futile
I hate not seeing you, hearing your voice
I hate that you didn’t bother giving me a choice
How could it be so easy for you to replace us?
Was it just lust? Was it all that it was?
I love you with every fiber of my being
But to you everything was just fleeting
It seems like just yesterday when we finally said goodbye to the horrible year that is 2020. I don’t think anyone was able to predict what kind of year it would be. I had started 2020 on a bad note with my father getting diagnosed with cancer. It pains me to say that it had also ended in the most horrible way – we lost him.
We all welcomed 2021 with open arms just because. Because humans need to carry on. Now we are almost halfway through this year.
For the next four months, I will undergo the most rigorous, mentally exhausting, and stressful journey of my life. I know that by the time I am done, it would be towards the end of the year. I can’t even wrap my mind around it. These two years have flown by so quickly.
I am just praying and hoping that the end of this year will be a good one.
Just Another Homo sapiens 