Nope.

So funny that in a span of less than 24 hours, you managed to erase all feelings I have left for you. Nope, I don’t love you anymore. Even if I subtly do, I don’t want to anymore.

You’re a fucking piece of trash with no backbone.

You wasted us. But I’m no longer going to dwell on the could’ve have beens. You are soooooo not worth it.

You don’t even drive. You can’t take care of yourself properly. You don’t have convictions. You operate on your id. You’re literally a manchild. Why am I losing sleep over you? It’s ridiculous.

I can finally tell myself and everyone – I am done. There is nothing in this world that could make me want you again you pathetic piece of shit. Go on live your life. I don’t want you in mine.

I can’t believe I thought I would marry you, it’s so funny and ridiculous. I am ashamed that you were the standard. So goodbye, I do hope you become happy. I won’t be watching. Adios.

Get Lost.

I can see you clearly for your deception
Your immaturity replaced your devotion
What a pathetic little boy
Treating treasure like a toy

Fuck you and all of your stupid promises
Goodbye, good riddance
You’re someone else’s problem now
Take a bow

Shattered illusion
You truly stooped so low
I can’t look at you the same way anymore
Not the man I thought you were before

You think you’re honorable?
Lying to me, that was your call
You’re a fucking cheater, motherfucker
I’m done, I deserve better

I can’t believe it. But I have to. This is who you are. Stupid and spineless – this is who you are.

An Open Letter

I love you. I hope you know that. I hope I did my best to show and make you feel that I love you. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you. I still do, even if you don’t feel the same.

I would have given up my dreams for you. I would have accepted the life you’ve come to love. I never would have asked you to leave your passion because I know you wouldn’t be who you are if it weren’t for it. I admire you so much because of it. I never would have asked you to choose. All I wanted was to feel that I matter in your life, too. But maybe, I no longer do and that’s why you ended things.

I wish we would grow old together. I wish I still get to touch your face, hold your hands, feel your embrace. I wish we’d have children that looked like us. I wish that you still wanted those dreams for the both of us. I wish you still wanted me in your future. I wish I hadn’t hurt you.

I love you so much and it hurts that I can’t say it and make you feel it anymore.

My final act of love is giving you what you want – the time and space you’ve always wanted. Even if it means I have to rebuild my whole life again without you, I would do it because I love you so much. I want you to be happy. I know it probably didn’t seem that way but I truly do.

I love you. Always.

1. I wish you were here next to me. I miss your embrace, your kiss, the touch of your hand, your warmth.
2. I wish you’d grow up. I wish you’d want the same things we’ve dreamed about in the past.
3. I wish I could undo things that I did.
4. I wish I could love you more to remove your pain.
5. I wish we could be together forever.

Almost Halfway Through The Year?

It seems like just yesterday when we finally said goodbye to the horrible year that is 2020. I don’t think anyone was able to predict what kind of year it would be. I had started 2020 on a bad note with my father getting diagnosed with cancer. It pains me to say that it had also ended in the most horrible way – we lost him.

We all welcomed 2021 with open arms just because. Because humans need to carry on. Now we are almost halfway through this year.

For the next four months, I will undergo the most rigorous, mentally exhausting, and stressful journey of my life. I know that by the time I am done, it would be towards the end of the year. I can’t even wrap my mind around it. These two years have flown by so quickly.

I am just praying and hoping that the end of this year will be a good one.

10 Things To Clean During Quarantine

Unlike most people, I enjoy cleaning. I get ready with my wireless earphones and a Podcast or playlist and scrub all the gunk away. Here are 10 things you can clean if you’re bored and have nothing better to do than be on your phone.

1.Bathroom

This includes throwing out empty shampoo bottles, expired cleaning supplies and skin care products, throwing out the trash in your toilet bathroom, scrubbing not only the shower or toilet but even the soap dish, faucet, floors, and shelves.

2. Microwave

Who actually regularly cleans their microwave? It’s one of the appliances in the kitchen that people neglect. And when you actually look at the nooks and crannies, it’s actually disgusting.

PS: You can also clean your coffee maker, bread toaster, or your mini kitchen appliances.

3. Laptop

You can literally clean it by getting a makeup brush to brush any dust or crumbs on your keyboard; as well as the screen with a lens cleaner and soft cloth. You can also organize your files and delete apps or files you never use.

4. Electric fans or airconditioning units

It’s time to disassemble some appliances and get rid of all the dust and dirt. It’s great to keep your fans and AC’s in shape.

5. Bottom of your bed

The real skeletons in your closet are under your bed. Bring out the vacuum cleaner and suck all the dirt, hair, and nail clippings away.

6. Bags and shoes

Now you have all the time to give your bags a wash. Maybe if you’re lucky, you’ll find something you’ve been missing for months. Or some cash, even. Same goes with the shoes. Time to scrub down your running shoes.

7. Cellphone

Get rid of random screenshots on your Photos that’s been sitting there for years. Delete caches from your apps. Most importantly, literally wipe it down with some disinfectant. It gets really nasty.

8. Earphones

Get some toothpick and tissue paper to clean out the earwax and dirt from your beat-up earphones. Wrap the tissue around the toothpick to pick away the icky earwax.

9. Wallet

Throw out receipts and membership cards you don’t even use. Clean it with a disinfectant or a leather cleaner if your wallet is fancy.

10. Washing machine

Your washing machine is not self-cleaning. Run the “Tub Clean” setting and wipe down the exterior of your washing machine.

Don’t forget to stay home and stay safe during this quarantine.

Grateful, as always

For the past few weeks, the whole world has been homebound. I have since had a major “crazy” episode from lack of social life, outdoors, and hustle and bustle.

I am used to the fast-paced life of being a Medical Intern. Being pulled out from that lifestyle left me with some withdrawal symptoms and made me realize that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. When I was on my duties in Surgery, I badly wanted a break. I wished I was at home sleeping long hours instead. Then, when I am literally asked to do that, it doesn’t seem as appealing.

Yet, I am grateful. I’m grateful for so many things. I’m thankful that despite having worked at a hospital, I was lucky to not have contracted the virus. No one in my family and friends has either. I’m also grateful for the sustenance that we have. I’m thankful for my gadgets and internet connection that are keeping me sane these past few weeks.

I am tired.

Does “I care a lot about you” actually mean anything anymore? It’s a major slap on the face, if you ask me. Lately, I’ve been tired of the unknown, the unpredictability, the uncertainty. It’s vexing, exhausting, and draining.

No wonder women are getting paranoid, overly guarded, and calculating. Nowadays, men just like testing the waters. No one wants to commit anymore. They want all the nice privileges of having a girlfriend but they refuse to make it exclusive.

But because I am a cool girl and I’m supposed to know my self-worth, I will shut up about wanting to put a label in whatever this is. Because apparently, wanting a label is too needy. Too clingy. I should be able to just go with the flow and see where things are going. Because cool girls are just cool like that.

They don’t complain if you check out other girls while you’re on a date. They don’t call you out if you’d rather scroll on your phone when they are sharing how their day went. They don’t bitch about how you didn’t give them flowers or gifts on that special day – because cool girls don’t care about getting roses and chocolates. They’re way cooler than that. Girls who want gifts and flowers and chocolates are not cool.

I swore that I would never ever ask a man where my place is in his life, ever again. And that is what I intend to do. But when it’s dragged on for months and the man just refers to you as a friend, you start to lose faith and it certainly gets you numb.

They say “when you know, you know”. And I guess in this case, “when you know it’s not, it’s not”.

I won’t even be surprised if this ends soon. Clearly, a man who really wants to be with me would have asked me a long time ago. He’s just lonely and you’re always too available.

I don’t excel at anything.

Here’s something I’ve always known: I don’t excel at anything.

I might be good with a couple of things, but never a master of any. I’ve always settled with mediocrity – I was fine with getting by. I never wanted to leave my comfort zone. I hate being uncomfortable.

I’ve always thought that greatness was not meant for me. I’ve always dreamt just enough because dreaming bigger than myself was somehow putting myself up for disappointment.

I’ve gone back and forth with battling mediocrity but somehow I get lost in the lack of disipline. I always go back to my normal, average self.

Maybe it’s time.

Maybe 2020 is the year I will impress myself. I hope I’ll have the grit and willpower.

iced coffee, warm lights & jazz music

The nearest volcano has started spewing ash and I am off from hospital duty. I woke up on a good note – muscles are well relaxed, no out-of-this-world rhinits…it’s a good day. I concocted an iced coffee, turned down the lights and turned on my handy warm lights, put on some Jazz Romance playlist on Spotify and I’m home. I realized how easy it is to make myself happy.